GBL Wrap Week 1

GBL Week 1 Wrap
Nov 17, 2003.
Reuters – AAP - Al Jazeera
NASDAQ (GBL)


Confounding critics and naysayers, silencing threats of team withdrawals and avoiding the very real prospect of a DNP CD, the much talked about, often maligned 2003/04 GBL season finally kicked off last week, greeted with a collective sigh of relief from sporting fans around the globe.

A stake was finally and firmly put in the ground after much to’ing and (a)fro’ing and the the GBL was to finally have its draft day in the sun. There was still the very real risk that founding members GM Wald and GM Entwisle may not be able to make the competition this year, however the stars managed to align and all GM’s heeded the call to arms.

The Jacuzzi was heated, bubbly on ice and extra-phat blunts rolled as the draft took place at GM Dunne’s gangsta-pad in the re-located GBL Headquarters, downtown St. Kilda, on the night of Nov 11 at 8.30pm EDST, 3.30pm Punjabi time, 7.30am Brazillian punani time, 10.30am UK Pint time and 11.30am Amsterdamaged time; but does time really exist in Amsterdam anyway.

After calls by outgoing Commish Entwisle for an ‘efficient’ draft to take place (clearly finding it difficult to relinquish his dictatorial grip over the league), Commissioner ShowNo was sworn in, blew a line of coke (the GBL equivalent of smashing vintage champagne across the bow of a new ocean liner) and declared the season to be “ORN”.

This year’s draft was no ordinary affair and for the first time spanned four continents – Sth America, Asia, Australia and Europe. A tenth franchise was also added to the GBL’s burgeoning ranks, fronted by notorious beer swilling, womanizing London underworld figure GM Hodges, of the ‘Hodges Shuffle’ fame, who now fronts the up and coming NWH outfit (Niggaz wit’ Hops). Loaded with young talent in the locker room, and his players on the court aren’t bad either, GM Hodges hopes the boys will be taking care of business on the floor, whilst he takes care of business on the team bench press. Artest and O’Neal form the nucleus of a squad that won’t back down from a challenge, and you know this team will be one to watch (GM Hodges supposedly videotaping his exploits for distribution across the internet).

Not everything ran smoothly for the more experienced GM’s on draft night. We had one false start from GM Base in Brazil, who turned up 24 hrs early for the draft and had to therefore endure two 7.30am mornings with a pounding head and a corroding nasal cavity. Whilst there are some definite stars in the “Makers”, injuries to Elton Brand and just recently to young gun Jamal Crawford, as well as a worrying FG% from Vinsanity have held this team back from reaching its potential. Will GM Base be able to weave the magic he wove last year when he was in a similar position at the rear of the field, only to make a late surge for the title after picking up some quality players in the first draft.

GM Wald also found draft night a challenge and had to make selections from bed, finding it difficult to get up these days for anything other than to slide the bong or the bedpan a little closer to his bedside. GM Wald’s Amsterdamaged outfit, drafted in part by proxy, is an exciting, young, run & gun team, anchored in the middle by the man you don’t want shooting free throws for your life – S. O’Neal. Manchild A. Stoudamire is yet to fully reach his potential after claiming last year’s Rookie of the Year honours, whilst this year’s hot favourite – Lebron - is looking very good early. Sometime in this young man’s career he may go close to averaging a triple double – unfortunately for GM Wald it won’t be this year. From last reports, GM Wald was still getting his stomach pumped and still has no idea who is in his team.

GM Braun also managed to get confused and was unable to make it 2km down the road to attend the draft in person. It was still an interesting night for GM Braun, who tried to take a leaf out of Mark Cuban’s book and looked to form his own ‘small ball’ team, attempting to draft 3 Small Forwards. The move failed dismally, but GM Braun did manage to save some face, drafting everyone’s favourite party man “Vinnie Boy” Baker. The Wannabees have managed to hold their ground reasonably well so far, but a lot more research and team preparation will be required to salvage what is already looking like a shaky season. GM Braun, known as the laziest GM in the league due to his lack of preparation and basketball nous, needs to make some drastic changes and fast if he is to make any kind of challenge this season.

GM’s E-Mac and S-Tac, true to form, turned up to the draft night higher than the proverbial pig in space which made for an interesting draft order selection process.

When the ping pong balls finally dropped, the lucky Pick #1 went to the new Commissioner, GM ShowNo who wasted no time in selecting his franchise player Mr Efficiency – Tim Duncan. Few surprises emerged throughout the rest of the draft, although there were murmerings of scandal after GM S-Tac found his statistical macros and 12 sheets of GBL analysis had been tampered with. Coveted rookie LeBron James went toward the end of the third round with pick #29 to GM Wald, GM S-Tac shedding a quiet tear, whilst Kobe Bryant went pick #20, dropping from pick #10 last year due to his involvement in a rape case and the possibility that he will be seeing more minutes in a Colorado Court than on the Lakers home floor.

On paper, GM Entwisle’s team looks the strongest, although there are murmurings of disgruntlement throughout the league with his subbing of confessed Rageaholic (coz he’s addicted to Rageahol) – Rasheed Wallace – in place of the injured Chris Webber. This deal looks to have the fingerprints of disgraced ex-president John Elliot all over it, who has clearly taught GM Entwisle the art of dubious salary cap dealings. An official enquiry is still in progress whilst the Halves & Doubles find themselves in foreign territory – the middle of the table.

GM S-Tac has managed to put some daylight between himself and the rest of the league, thanks mostly in part to Sleepy McGrady waking from his funk and lighting up for 51pts during the week – a season and league high. The Shard and B. Diddy Davis are also putting in very strong performances early, although consistency of the OG’s is still to be proven in this very long GBL season. Things will be interesting when Mashburn returns, as B.Diddy’s numbers are expected to decline. Dampier and Boozer continue to overachieve.

Surprisingly, GM E-Mac finds himself in unfamiliar territory running 2nd in the standings. Zac Randolph has been strong (thank God he poached him from GM S-Tac’s clutches), Ilgauskas has shown very solid form and The Answer is still strapped with gats, spraying shots like he was on the corner of Florence and Crenshaw on a Friday night. Luckily for other GMs, most of his shots never hit their mark but he can still drop the occasional 40pt game on your ass when you least expect it.

GM Dunnes No Honkie’s outfit has again drafted a honky in Brad Miller and the team name is fast becoming a farce. Luckily this honkie got game and rounds out a very solid looking outfit of KG, K-Mart, J. Terrry and Big Ups to my nigga Billups, who is performing admirably this last week and rarely misses from the stripe. Expect the No Honkies to be around the top 3 leader board come the end of the season with a lot of smart money going on the ‘Honkies’ to win the whole thing….again.

ShowNo got Upside Everyone’s Head when he landed the first pick in the draft and TD has provided the bedrock for a solid team. Sleeper Kirilenko also looks strong and this team will be up for the challenge each and every night. Kobe is still yet to hit his stride, but when the knee fully recuperates you can imagine his current scoring average won’t stay at 21ppg for too long (he was averaging over 30ppg last season). Still some upside left with this outfit, although they do look a little weak at PG and Coaching positions.

GM Fredman again heads a team that keeps the cellar dwellers company. Rumour has it he has given the team a verbal spray and has hinted that no-one is inexpendable, all five players being up for review in the next draft. Some pundits are claiming that GM Fredman is too closely wound into the fabric at St. Kilda FC, the New York Knicks and now the ‘Sky Hooks’, creating a culture of incompetence that has become ingrained. The league’s perennial basketcase, it is common opinion that more than player changes are needed here, and the change must start from the top down.

All in all, a very interesting 1st week for the GBL. Many are eagerly looking to the first draft to fine tune their rosters. It has been ‘pencilled’ in for Monday December 15 at this stage which should hopefully avoid clashing with any Christmas parties.

Next week’s wrap courtesy of GM Wald.

I love this game.

Commish ShowNo


Quotable Quotes from the Week :

FARK! Can't get Messenger to work. What round you up to?
GM Base on email to Commish ShowNo. A day before the draft.


Shit, fool, back to bed...
GM Base on email to Commish ShowNo after realizing his fark up.


I COMPLETELY DISAGREE.
GM Cotton – confused – makes a bold, incorrect statement about when a team could be loaded into the system.


Unfortunately you can't fine GM's for stupidity.
Commish Show resisting calls to fine GM Cotton for foot in mouth syndrome.


Sorry about the accusations
GM Cotton getting eating humble pie to Commish ShowNo


….there is a job going at SALT nightclub for a bouncer , maybe should let Kurt Thomas know as he'll have a lot of time on his hands this season cos none of that time will be GAMETIME!
GM E-Mac taunting GM Fredman after some derogatory comments were made about the Worthy Extensions.


Westside niggas getting rowdy! Eastside niggas getting violent!
GM E-Mac commenting on the feisty start to the season


c'mon Cleetus!
GM Fredman stirring up GM Braun for selecting 3 Small Forwards


Collusion
GM Braun attempting to save face that he planned to fark up the draft


here comes Vinny boy
GM Braun’s interesting GBL lexicon describing V.Baker putting Indiana away the night before


As long as during timeouts he is sucking down gatorade and not drinks with little umbrellas sticking out the top
GM Hodge’s on why Vin Baker may turn out to be a steal of the draft

Nowitski doing beats, Marion doing breaks and Adbur Rahim scratching decks...booyah!
GM Dunne on the rationale why GM Braun tried to pick up 3 Small Forwards


Isn't TC Izlam a small forward at New Orleans?
GM E-Mac commenting on an album review plagiarized by GM Braun. Udonis Haslem plays for the Heat


I'll smoke any fool who steps to my ride or cuts my coke... Jamal Crawford? What is it with me and shitty point guards called Jamal
GM Smart clearly on the crazy juice in Brazil. Tinsley (Jamal) was also sub-standard for the Makers last year


Sorry about the lateness but I think Mick should be nailed to a cross and we throw rotten tomatoes at him whilst playing all the tracks of the Betty Boo album.
GM E-Mac not showing any mercy for GM Entwisle’s salary cap breaches.


I feel sorry for the next bird you root !
GM Hodges on GM E-Mac’s pent up aggression


"Outing other GMs" ---hmmmmm-okay -- GM Entwisle IS gay!!!
GM E-Mac commenting on Commish ShowNo’s self-regulation policy for subbing injured players


Give Brauny a call on 0055-Small-Forward
Or 1800-VINNIE-BOY
GM E-Mac & GM Dunne giving more shtick to GM Braun



if he fails to comply we find out where he lives and bust slugs in his chest until he has the letters "GBL" formed nicley across his chest.
GM E-Mac on how to deal with the GBL Intruder